What is Left When Everything is Gone (4)
Fourth three thousand words
This is the fourth instalment of What is Left When Everything is Gone. The book is made of memory beads, strung out in a perpetual presence. This section describes life in Calgary in the 1970s.
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Corty and Mark are my best friends. They are twins like my mom and Aunty Willow, but they are not identical twins. You can tell them apart by their heads. Corty’s head is round and happy, but Mark’s head is square and serious. They are half Indian, half Cree. The Indians hunted buffalo here before there was any city, or any white people like me. Sometimes I like Mark more, and sometimes I like Corty more.
Their dad is a geologist like mine, but my dad is not a cowboy. He just goes to the office every day.
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This is Africa, where I was born. My dad set up the slide projector, then we sat on the sofa and he turned off the lights. It shot a square of light on the wall. He holds a little box in his hand. When he pushes the button the machine whirs and clicks. There is a picture of yellow grass and two lions far away.
My dad keeps clicking and there are more and more animals: elephants, wildebeest, cheetahs, and a dead warthog whose head my dad is holding up. He is explaining the pictures to us. He says, God, that was the best time of my life.
Toward the end, there is a picture of me. A black woman is holding me in her arms and I look so tiny beneath her big boobs. When I was that little, I didn’t know anything. I ask my dad why he left Africa if he loved it so much, and he laughs and says, because you came along.
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My favourite book is The White Buffalo. I got it out from the school library. It is about an Indian boy who lives in a teepee. They hunt buffalos in the prairie where you can see so far and the sky is everywhere. I am reading this book to my mom. She is sitting close beside me on the sofa, and I am leaning against her. She is looking at the pages with me. After I read two pages, we will watch TV, and then go to bed. It is easy to read this book, but she has to help me say some words.
On Saturday and Sunday afternoons they have cowboy and Indian movies on TV. You are supposed to think the Indians are the bad guys, but to me they are the good guys.
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Ms Pinder is little and pretty even though her nose is big. She asks us what we want to be when we grow up. I put up my hand, say I want to be a rancher. Ms Pinder says you will need to marry a rich cowgirl if you want to be a rancher. Everyone laughs. Meh, Cotter wants to be a rancher. Why would you need to be rich to be a rancher? I just mean living like a cowboy, or better yet an Indian, with a horse and a dog and a cabin in the forest like Grizzly Adams. Shouldn’t that be free? Couldn’t you just escape money and everything.
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Cort plays a game of pin ball and then we get out of the arcade because it’s so noisy, and there are big kids with long hair who look mean. We are trying not to step on cracks to break our mother’s backs in the Westbrook Mall. There is a guy with his hands coming out of his shoulders, with no arms between, like a seal. How does he eat? Cort’s mom told him the doctors gave all the pregnant moms Thalidomide one year, and every baby born that year has his hands connected to his shoulders. How could the doctors get away with that?
There is Orange Julius. It’s better than a Slurpie. I like hotdogs with mustard and relish. I hate ketchup on hotdogs. The Greek dads are at the cafe, drinking coffee and smoking like the kings of the mall. They are watching us jump cracks with grumpy faces.
There’s not so much to do at the mall. It’s mostly clothes stores, and the toy store only has stuff for babies. The best shop is Candles’n Things. I first want to check they still have the Airifix 1/72 scale Celtic and Roman soldiers. My mom said I can save up my money for these. I look at the pictures on the boxes, Celts on chariots, and a Roman Centurion with the red plume sideways on his helmet. l give the boxes a little shake to hear the stuff inside.
There is the smell of incense, and they are playing Age of Aquarius. That’s my favourite song. We pass the lava lamps slowly, watching them drip. We are in the back of the shop now, where they only have black light. We are flicking through the posters. There is a tiger, and in the black light he glows like a cartoon. This stuff is so cool. When I grow up, I’m going to have lava lamps and black velvet posters all over my house.
Here’s a funny poster. A man is holding his head up in his hands, and his face is dripping through his fingers. It says, Stoned Again. He looks pretty comfortable, but I am never going to do drugs.
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At the start of lunchtime the principal says on the speakers there is a blizzard coming so we won’t have school this afternoon. I go with Corty and Mark to their house. Their mom and dad aren’t home. It is so dark, like night in the day, and there is so much blowing snow. We go out, and walk to the Shaganappi library. We are not afraid of the blizzard because we are cowboys. And real Indians. You can’t see far and it is like the world is closed in smaller pieces we are moving through, little bubbles of worlds, from one streetlamp to the next. The wind swooshes snow into pine trees and this sounds like fire. It is so cold your forehead feels like it is being blown by fire. Why are things sometimes the opposite of what they seem? We get to the library and snow whirls in with us, then it is gone and it is warm in here. So many books and they are all worlds you can go into. I find a book on things to make, and there is a submarine you can make out of wood and a balloon.
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We are in a jeep travelling toward the Rockies that are standing up like a picture. They are blue with trees, then grey stone with white on top. There is even some orange on them, from the sun. There is no roof on the jeep so it is windy and cold but we have buttoned our jean jackets up to the top. Corty and Mark’s dad is driving with his cowboy hat on. Mark is in the front and I am in the back with Corty and their black dog, Timmy. He has to shout, but their dad is telling us about things you need to do before you can really call yourself a cowboy. You need to be kicked by a horse, for one, fall in an icy river, get lost in the woods. So it’s not that hard to be a real cowboy. It is mostly a matter of if you want to be one.
We drive off the highway and down a little road into the forest. We are in Morley now, the Indian reserve. Only Indians are allowed to live here. Their dad is bossy about giving them orders but it makes Cort and Mark seem like grown ups. Mark opens a gate and there is no road so we just drive over the grass and through the trees. We are at the Gallup Corral. There is a tent trailer and a corral made of logs with the bark still on. We go for a horse ride but my horse steps on his reigns and their dad has to get off his horse to help me. When his horse runs away, he takes off his hat, gives it a big sweep in the air, and shouts God Damn it!
Mark can drive the jeep and we have found a dead pony. There are crows all over it. We watch through binoculars. Its belly is swollen and there is white foam leaking from the pony’s side. Mark and Cort have a .22 rifle. We sit behind a log and Mark shoots at the crows. Corty has a try, but they won’t let me because it is a real gun. I didn’t even want to shoot them anyway, because I think crows are cool.
When we get back to the corral, there is a dead deer. Its fur is taken off and it is red and nude. I look at the skin. I want to take it home to make clothes out of, but there are ticks crawling all over, full of blood. Mark is going to poke the deer’s eye with a stick and I look away so I don’t see it because if I see it I will keep seeing it over and over.
It has been such a long day. We are in their car now, in Calgary, driving to a house where the man has a train set like Cort and Mark’s dad. We have been driving so much. I am sitting between Cort and Mark. I wanted to have a window because I don’t feel so good. My mouth is tingling just under my ears and there is liquid coming into my mouth. I try to swallow it but it is getting more. I am dizzy and spinning, oh no, I can’t stop it, my stomach squeezes in by itself and I shoot puke onto Mark’s lap, all over his seat.
It is like he is in agony, and when the car stops in front of the train set house, he jumps out and rolls around on the lawn as if he was on fire. We go in to see the train set but I can’t pay much attention. I am so tired. When we get back to their house, I say bye, while their dad is telling them how to clean the car. Mark just looks at me, but if you are the one who is sick you should just go home.
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We are walking home from school. Iain Godsman is with us. When we get to their house, Mark says sorry Cottsy, we can only have one friend over at a time. When I get home I go straight to my bedroom and sit on my bed. I feel as if everything is broken. My mom brings me in a cup of tea. She sits on my bed beside me. I take a sip of tea and then I can’t stop my body from shaking with tears, and I dip my head and close my eyes. My mom rubs my back while I shake and asks me to tell her what happened. I tell her Mark said they could only have one friend over. I don’t tell her he said Cottsy, because I am too ashamed of that. She says don’t worry about those wee bows and arrows, you are better than all of them. You were born in Africa and you are so good at drawing. The tears are shaking me again. She rubs my back with her warm hand, speaking softly to fix all the things that are broken. But she can’t.
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Our cat is called Pune. Nobody knows why, but that’s his name. My dad even told the vet that’s his name and we were all laughing. He just showed up one day and started living with us. He is a Russian Blue, and he likes fighting. His ears are full of nicks and holes. He scratches me sometimes when I try to hold him. Then I am itchy where he scratched me. He has a bad temper, and he is bossy. When my dad gets up in the morning, Pune attacks his feet. It means he wants his breakfast.
You should hear the crazy noise he makes when he is fighting other cats. You see two cats grabbing each other with their teeth and their claws, ripping the other cat’s guts with their rabbit feet.
A little white cat lived with us for a few days before it went back to its own home. We called it Snowball. Pune hated Snowball, but he mostly ignored her. One day, Snowball was on the front steps, and a German Shepherd chased her underneath. It was trying to reach its head in under. Pune was sitting on my mom’s windowsill among the lilacs, watching. At first he seemed bored. Then, he jumped down beside the German Shepherd. He arched his back and his tail went straight up. He stepped toward the dog with stiff legs, and when the dog looked at him, Pune made a sound that must have come from hell. The dog just ran away. Anyone would have.
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My grandpa is dead. He fell down the stairs. I am listening to my mom and dad in their room. They closed the door so we can’t come in. They aren’t saying anything now so I open the door. A suitcase is on the bed. My dad is packing. He is going back to Ireland for the funeral. I don’t want to ask any questions, because I see that he was crying.
Kids are supposed to be sad when their grandpas die, but I don’t feel sad. I don’t even remember what he looked like, just that he was nice to me.
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Ms Pinder is asking us for topics to work on in groups. Dana Haney says Cars, and Ms Pinder writes this on the board. Iain Godsman says Elton John, and she puts this on the board. I put up my hand and say Animals. She asks me to be more specific, so I say Domestic Animals, and she puts it on the board. A few more topics go on the board and then she tells us to put our heads down and our arms up when she calls out the topic we want to work on. When we look up Shelagh Hislop’s name is beside mine on the board under Domestic Animals. She is the prettiest girl in the class and she is smart, but she is Iain Godsman’s girlfriend. She loves animals and wants to be a vet.
We go to the library and Shelagh and I sit together in a corner to talk about our project. It is comfortable when a pretty girl is talking to you, listening to you, and looking at you because you feel you are in the real world then.
After a while Ms Pinder isn’t around and kids are drifting. Iain Godsman sits down and says, hey Cotter, can you give us some privacy. I go over and sit with Cort and Mark. Iain and Shelagh come over after a while. Iain says to Cort, you’re a cool guy. Why don’t you hang around with cool guys? Cort asks him who the cool guys are, and they start listing names. When someone asks what about Cotter? Shelagh says no way. I don’t think she is bad for saying this. I guess she was just saying what kids are supposed to say.
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There are hills of snow where they have cleared the playground. We are running up and down, pushing one another from the top. It is good fun until I push Ronny Nalder. He is in the grade below me but his face is very mean. He says, after school, Cotter. He stands right in front of me with his mean face. He probably has poor parents who beat him.
They call us into class and I am thinking about things Ronny might do in a fight in front of everyone, so I get out of school quickly as I can at lunch, and go home through the back alleys. I am seeing pictures of ways Ronny Nalder could hurt me. My feet are crunching on the gravel.
Mom has made hotdogs for lunch. I say hotdogs again, and she starts screaming I was not put on this earth to serve you, to clean up and have lunch on the table for you. You should be grateful for what you have. You have the best father and a mother who loves you.
I shout I never asked to be born. Why did you even have me if you hate me so much, and we are fighting again, like always. It used to be we would fight and then it was over. There were things you wouldn’t say. Now we fight so mean you can’t say sorry. Drinking tea on her bed and talking seems gone now. Why can’t we fix it? We are always hurting each other.
Back at school, waiting to go in again, I am watching out for Ronny Nalder. Shelagh and Iain are leaning on the rails by the doors into school and Iain has his arm over her shoulders. Shelagh says Ronny is going to kill you.
How could she say this? She loves animals and she is kind and smart. Does she know something about Ronny Nalder?
I am watching the time on the clock above Ms Pinder. When class is over I hurry out the door, across the road, and down my secret way through the alleys.
My mom and me aren’t talking. I watch Gilligan’s Island.
Dad gets home and reads his newspapers while watching the news. The newspapers are spread all over the floor. It makes the house seem messy, like poor people live here. Nobody is saying anything at dinner as Shake’n Bake crust slides from our steaming nude chicken, until my mom brings up the hot dogs, and now she is angry at him because how can you let him speak to me like that? If you were a man you would do something about it.
Then they are sending me to my room but I won’t go so my dad is wrestling me down the hall. It’s fine though after everything quiets down and me and my mom stop crying. I set up my soldiers around the lego pieces and a few stones I have, and then I lay in bed and read The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe about Narnia. This is all I really want to do right now, lay here smelling Aslan’s mane with Susan and Lucy. If everyone would quit bugging me and leave me alone.
The next day at recess in the yard they are asking me why I wasn’t at my fight with Nalder. They are all around me. Aaron Bowersock is standing in front of me. He is Nalder’s best friend.
Are you chicken?
Yes, I’m chicken.
Cort says I can’t believe he just called himself chicken. Brent Chapman says anyone could beat Cotter. Some kids start going Brk brk brk. Everyone is laughing at me.
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I am playing with my toy soldiers on my bedroom floor. I am still not talking to my mom except sometimes we yell at each other. I have Celts and Romans and French Foreign Legion. They are 1/72 scale. I have lego and some rocks and I set up a world. When the guys face each other, I roll a dice. If it is 1, the guy on the left is dead. If it is 2, you turn him around to face the other way, and he can’t hit next turn. If he gets hit again he is dead. If it is 3, nothing happens. It goes the same with 4-6 for the guy on the right. Then, if one of them isn’t dead, you do it again until the battle is finished. I am playing Pink Floyd Animals on my blue record player and it makes the battle feel real, like I’m watching something important.
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